TRYING

For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted children, in my late teens early twenties with each partner I’d imagine what our child would look like. I’d watch one born every minute for fun, the idea of birthing a child no matter how scary, is a moment I have always looked forward to experiencing. I guess you could say I’ve wanted this for longer than I care to think about but like many of my peers, our careers and financial stability has come first. 

So here we are, married just over a year and have decided it’s time to start 'trying', in true me fashion I tell EVERYONE 'we’ve started trying!' I say at my 33rd birthday party. This felt like a celebration, we’re in the next phase of life together, not to mention I wanted my friends to start trying too so we could all have babies together, boy did I regret that.

3 months in, nothing so far, I’m not panicking but the controlling person in me suggests a fertility MOT, £650 for both of us, Oof. Results are in! My partners weren’t A* more like B-, I on the other hand am in tip top condition but reminded that at 33 I am just about on the right side, any later and we may have some issues.

Roi and I have always been a team, we take things on as a couple but even this impacts the relationship, he feels inadequate and I become even more controlling. We trudge on making changes to our lifestyle, less all things fun, swapping boozy sunday’s for walks in the park, smoking for supplements, french exits at parties instead of being the last ones standing. At this point we’re both still learning about my cycle, the ovulation window, that in itself is a mind fuck. From a young age you’re made to think that you’ll be pregnant in a hot second if you have sex once so we’re by no means going for it at every turn… it’s bound to happen soon. 

6 months in, many a recommendation suggests Chinese medicine, back to our old stomping ground of Camden Town, except this time we’re swapping all nighters for Acu Medic with the legendary Dr Lily, a consultation alone with her costs £175.
Her office sits above a Chinese herb tea shop, and there above the fireplace a photo of Princess Diana, is she a mega fan or has she treated The Princess of Wales?! either way we’re in and within the hour we’re booked in for acupuncture every month and of course the grand purchase of herb teas, which costs us a jaw dropping £500 each per month. The hard part has yet to come, these tea’s need to be cooked every 2 days for up to 6 hours, to afford this alone we both decide to take on more hours each week so this feels like an impossible task but of course we make it work because Dr Lily said this will mean BABY. 

3 months later, -£3600 later, no baby. 

At this point it’s a big topic of conversation because naturally when you tell your family and friends you’re trying, they ask!  One liners like 'the minute you relax it’ll happen' and 'when I stopped thinking about it, it happened' - most unhelpful thing to say ever and has the opposite effect, in fact this makes a person feel like they are in control of the conception of their baby IF you just relax, when the truth is you have no control whatsoever, at all, ever. 

November comes around, 10 months of trying, 7 of my mates are all pregnant, my best friend included who lives 10 doors down, it’s all getting to be a little too much. The patriarchy tells you you’re on this earth to procreate, so when you don’t and everyone else does you naturally feel innate shame and a resounding feeling of being left behind, with that you start to isolate yourself from others to preserve some sense of sanity. 

December felt lonely and chaotic mentally, I was not in my right mind and everything and everyone was getting to me.  My period comes on time, brown spotting for 4 days, something isn’t right but I try to think nothing of it, especially as my friends remind me not to get too excited when I tell them 'it doesn’t feel like a normal period, maybe I’m pregnant' but at this point you’re body starts to trick you, pregnancy symptoms are almost exactly the same as PMSing. I don’t take a test and get on with my week. 

End of the week, on the 4th hour of my 7 hour shift, a rush of agonising abdominal pain in my lower left side so crippling I have to stop teaching the session. I pop an ibuprofen & paracetamol and I’m back in, I quickly start bleeding, 10 minutes left of the class I carry on teaching. I text my friend Sophie who’s a doctor 'take a test Soph’, at this stage tests are just cruel! I’m reluctant but I do, in-fact I take 3 because…hurrah! I’m pregnant, 'positive' it reads but this doesn’t feel positive at all. Nonetheless I do what I’ve always hoped I could do, 'close your eyes babe' and present my husband with a positive test. Fist in the air! 'I knew we’d do it!', within the hour Sophie sends us straight to A & E, one urine sample & a blood test later, no result as such but it’s pretty clear the pregnancy is not the one we’re hoping for. Over the next week I am asked to return to the hospital to repeat my bloods and scans, within 4 days it is confirmed I am having an Ectopic Pregnancy, this is when the embryo implants itself outside of the womb in one of the fallopian tubes. I have 2 choices and with just 24 hrs to decide; either I take a pill to abort it (it isn’t 100% effective and you have to return to hospital every other day for two weeks for tests) it’s Christmas and this thing is growing rapidly so they suggest a Salpingectomy (removal of the fallopian tube and embryo). We agree this is the best option, I book in the operation. At this point I’m getting close to being in danger, if caught too late it is fatal, within 24 hrs I’m on the hospital bed, 3,2,1 blackout, next thing I’m back in the ward lying on a bed with my sister and husband by my side, high as a kite with no tube and certainly no baby. 

February 2024, hands down the darkest few months of my life. It’s hard to compute what we’ve endured, how fast and yet how slow time has passed. The conversations are trickier now, everyone’s bumps are getting bigger, I’m avoiding my pregnant friends at all costs and muted them all on socials, especially the ones who had their one and only shag of the month, they seem to be the least sensitive, discussing their frustrations for how quickly they’ve gotten pregnant and how their lives are about to change. The parallels are too painful, for a person who feels happy for everyone a lot of the time, it feels strange to not be able to be truly happy for these women who I care so deeply for. I journal the things I’m grateful for, it absolutely doesn’t work but as they say time is a healer and finally I’m given a sense of closure that I’ve been waiting for, my period comes and with this we can start trying again. 

Back to work and I start seeing a highly recommended Acupuncturist, this has always been something I do but this time it’s with Zaza who is great company, tells me to listen to my intuition and believe. Sometimes that’s all you need. 

I’m also generously gifted 3 sessions with a Reflexologist Carol, I can’t believe my luck. Carol informs me that Roi and I should see her once a week at least at a hefty £200 a session. Whilst she prods my feet and talks of all the success stories from the women she’s treated, I’m convinced until this turns into unwanted therapy sessions, and discussions of spirits sending her messages for us, a little too Wu Wu for me plus my overdraft is just getting bigger and bigger.

I’m beginning to realize with every introduction there is a lot of money to be made in the Infertility industry, a woman so desperate for a baby is your best customer, she’ll do anything you say and she’ll find a way to pay for it. 

A friend reaches out, who happens to be a registered Nutritional therapist and a certified Fertility practitioner, Isobel Austin-Little. Something I hadn’t considered, having grown up with a Nutritionist as a Mother I was pretty sure my diet was up to scratch but with Fertility it’s a little more complex. Food diaries sent, bloods taken to determine what our body’s actually need not just for the sake of conception but for us too, we’re learning that food and where it comes from, variety and a colorful plate is EVERYTHING.

3 months on, our NHS consultant has been in touch to discuss IVF with us, we are after all a priority as I am one tube down and now almost 35, ouch. The conversations around this are conflicted, I always hoped I’d make a baby naturally but we can’t say we haven’t tried! And with one less tube that’s 10% less Fertile, with a 20% chance each time IF the window of time you attempt is correct, that's technically 10% less for us. To make a baby really is a miracle. 

I’m introduced to Dr Bill Smith, he is the first specialist that isn’t presenting me with a face of concern and a ton of tests and a payment plan within the first 15 minutes. Dr Bill Smith is light and positive and not overpriced. Whilst the NHS is incredible at the bigger stuff, the smaller more specific tests are not so easy to book in a speedy time frame so if you can afford it such as Fertility MOT amongst many others, go private. 

So here we are, summer is upon us, all my pregnant friends have almost had their babies and with that the bumps have gone and as have they, into the next phases of their lives, and us into ours. This journey is grueling, no one prepares you for it but here’s what I’ve learnt and what I hope to pass on to anyone who is struggling or about to start trying.

1. Don’t hold back starting in fear it’ll happen too soon, often more than not it doesn’t and if it does, you’re the lucky ones and you’ve got 9 months to prepare. 

2. For the first 12 months, just have sex and DON’T tell anyone. 

3. Learn your cycle with your partner. 

4. Everyone will share their journey and suggest you try all sorts of things, do your research and decide for yourself, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of taking every recommendation even if it’s not something you need. 

5. Don’t feel bad for telling your pregnant friends when they’re making you feel triggered. Tell them, they need to learn, it’ll help your friendship in the long run.

6. Whatever you do, be kind to your partner, be a team, you need each other more than you know, it certainly doesn’t work without the other. 

7. And above all don’t lose faith.