I hadn’t planned on writing another Substack but after so many of you wrote to me with your own experiences I have felt compelled to continue to write about mine, in the small instance that it might help some more.
Since my last Substack I’ve come to know that there are many of us with our own stories of infertility and pregnancy that haven’t quite made it. There is so much power in communicating our story’s to one another and de-stigmatising Infertility and whilst we get see so many joyous announcements of successful pregnancies and births, especially now more than ever, it is easy to forget that 1 in 4 don’t quite get there. All 14 of my mates are now either pregnant or have had their babies, whilst it hasn’t been easy being one of the only one’s left, since writing my last substack it has felt very freeing and I am now in a place of acceptance that their journey is theirs and mine is mine.
WhatsApp groups are a funny space to navigate when you’re 'Trying', whilst it is the quickest and easiest way to keep tabs on each other, when the pregnancy announcements start to circulate, you never really know where the other person is in their own journey. I remember receiving 3 pregnancy announcements on the same whatsapp group in the same day shortly after my ectopic diagnosis, what a time!
I always looked forward to announcing my pregnancy on WhatsApp and Instagram (yep! I’m that girl), now I probably won’t in case someone on the receiving end is struggling too, with that being said I have now clicked 'Leave group' and ‘Mute’ on any groups or pages, subtlety or not so subtely reminding me I am one of the last ones left. Within the whatsapp groups, I fear I may be getting in the way of them sharing common ground with their pregnancy woes, how they can barely see their own vagina over the ever growing bump or they can’t stop eating pineapple, I’ll leave them to it.
5 of my friends have now had their babies. It is a relief when they’re born, I enjoy this moment so much, it’s strange how this part hurts less. Newborn babies bring so much joy and calm to a room, it becomes less about you and more about them.
I see the carrying of a child as such a privilege, perhaps because I have yet to experience it, I will often consider when buying a piece of clothing whether it’ll fit with a bump, if it doesn’t I don’t buy it and then I remember I’m nowhere near pregnant and how silly of me to even consider it!! In this process I have become very ‘in my own head’..more so than usual, so with that I have finally entered the realms of guided meditation, the more you do it, the more it works…right?
After my operation my NHS doctor suggested I have my one and only tube checked for any blockages, if it is blocked we have no choice but to hold off trying naturally, one perk is that this will bump us up the IVF queue. The glass half full in me is reminded that we are SO lucky to be funded by the NHS for this, 1 round of IVF alone is £15,000 minimum.
I get taken into the X Ray room at Hammersmith Hospital, 5 people crowd around the hospital bed..why 5?! Surely this is pretty straight forward stuff? Not to mention Roi’s not been allowed in for this one, my anxiety is peaking…I lay myself down, legs up, legs wide. The radiologist spends 20 mins too long trying to find my cervix, 4 heads piling up behind her as she continues to rejig the cafita to keep my vaginal path open, this begins to hurt. In goes the tube of dye which fills my uterus, it falls out not once but three times, ok this really hurts…Finally the fluid starts to run through my right fallopian tube, with a click of a button the X-Ray is taken. There she is, my one and only tube in all her glory! To the left is the tube that once was, she looks like a half eaten party sausage at the end of a BBQ, it’s pretty mad to see, I wish Roi was with me because to my surprise this is actually quite upsetting!! We’re 6 months post Ectopic Op, I should be fine by now, shouldn’t I?
I realize that I may not be as mentally recovered as I thought I might be but am quickly reminded that ‘one is better than none’ and with the right tube being as clear as the Blackwall tunnel we can continue to try naturally.
The next day I am due to meet with Dr Bill Smith, Roi doesn’t have to attend but after my last appointment I make sure he’s there. So often the partner doesn’t feel like they have much to give but the support of someone by your side a partner or friend is invaluable, not to mention the less you’ll have to relay back to them (this can be harder than it sounds). It’s like a science lesson at every appointment, if Roi can’t make it I’ve even started to record them so we can listen back and do our research. I was by no means this diligent at school but when it’s to do with MY body, I want to know everything.
Dr Bill suggests we track my cycle next month, we head to Harley street at the crack of dawn before our shifts at work, he does an ultrasound on cycle day 5 & 8, then again a week after ovulation. Dr Bill tests for Progesterone, lack of progesterone makes it harder to retain the pregnancy, if this is the case you are prescribed a pessary which you insert morning and night until you are 16 weeks pregnant, this is more common in women over 30. The NHS doesn’t test for this unless you have had a minimum of 3 miscarriages, wild. It is around £750 total to do this bulk of testing with Dr Bill and whilst we can’t afford it this may well be the answer to why it is taking us so long. In December it’ll be a year since the Ectopic, almost 2 years since we started trying.
A month later it is confirmed that I have low progesterone, we speak with Dr Ian Curry who is administered to prescribe it to me, he is very clear in saying that whilst this might help it is important not to ‘long it out’, giving ourselves 4 months of trying ‘au naturale’ and if that doesn’t work it is time to start considering IVF.
I am very much on the fence, having not had enough positive examples of IVF working around me and whilst it shouldn’t feel like a personal failure having not retained a successful pregnancy naturally, it does, and if it doesn’t work then what?!
I guess I can relate to my friends who are having trouble breastfeeding or have had C sections, it goes against what we thought we so naturally could and would do, after decades of the patriarchy running the show it’s no wonder we are so hard on ourselves.
Like most work spaces, my job doesn’t allow for mid afternoon cry’s, I’m in a client facing industry, the crying can wait til I get home…a recurring mantra issues ‘Get a grip Sophie’ and with that I pop the kettle on and get a grip.
Here’s a few things I’ve learnt these last few months for anyone who is still having a hard time 'Trying' :
WhatsApp & Instagram - come off any group or mute anything where you might feel triggered.
If you have a number of appointments to attend, ensure your partner/friend joins you for as many as they can.
If they can’t attend, ask the Doctor if you can record it on your phone. Information is key and often confusing!
Get informed - go home and do your research but steer away from any negative information, often more than not it doesn’t relate to you, try to keep your search factual and positive.
Meditate - Head Space App is a good place to start.
Write it all down, it really helps.
As I always say to myself, don’t lose faith.
Learn to take the glass half full approach on things as much as you can.
Hi Sophie, we met a long time ago, I'm a friend of Lou's. Thank you for sharing your story and I'm so deeply sorry for what you have been growing through 🧡 I just wanted to comment on your need to hear more positive IVF stories - I have two close friends who have had very positive experiences, getting pregnant on the first round with their babies now safely in the world. I think we naturally hear about the challenging/negative stories more which makes it so hard to stay positive. It sounds like you are doing all the best things and seeing highly experienced doctors to support you, well done for keeping going. I wish you so much love and strength for your onward journey. I'm extremely lucky to have a little girl but I totally relate to the difficulty of navigating miscarriages and fertility issues amongst friends who just cannot understand. For me that has been one of the toughest parts, feeling the need to distance from some loved ones. And it's ok to have all those difficult emotions. I hope you are being held and loved through this journey. Sending you a big hug, Isla xxx
Dear Sophie-Rose, Thank you for sharing your circumstance. I want to offer some words of encouragement, though I do not know if what I say would feel encouraging to you. I share in the hope that my words add to your existing sense of encouragement whilst adding, also, more dimension over and above the medical field. Friends of mine had been trying naturally, and with several rounds of IVF, to no avail. IVF was gruelling so, when after several rounds they totally gave up, they got pregnant naturally with twins who just celebrated their 2nd birthdays (the couple are 40 years old). As an astrologer, I can't help but feel there is something important in the timing of a person's birth, as that person enters into a karmic structure which we see reflected in their astrological natal chart. So, it is not simply when/what the parents decide, since the parents are children of the universe too, but who this/these new individuals are destined to be, also. That is, ultimately, the responsibility of every parent, to cultivate space for the seed to germinate in spirit as well as in the flesh, and perhaps considering this notion is the beginning seed of your own parenthood. By extension, I know adults who were adopted and their astrological natal chart shows profound separation from biological family, but favourable union with the adoptive family, as if that was always their destiny at birth to be reunited with their true parents. My perspective on this is similar to how we meet our soul mates, we may also meet the children our soul longs for. When we look above the earth and into space we see that everything rotates like clockwork according to set laws. Similarly, when we look beneath our skin, we see the same, and it is that which doctors try to describe. We seem to exist in this big universe that has its own design, and we are part of it, and so with our destined children who make their way to us one way or another; such that, The Way has some divine purpose to it. I agree it is pointless to compare our journey to that of our friend as, though we may be called to be friends, we are called to different vocations. As you know this does not imply one vocation is better than another one but that it is each that is authentically sacred. I do not doubt your path is sacred and would seek to put you back in conducive contact with this flow, that you receive that which is meant for you and meant for the baby/s. Some of us have long journeys to get to the same place but the journey is inherently The Way and not without purpose. Wishing you the best.